One week ago

My mom passed away on April 18 at 6:34. 

I don't know that there's anything else to say...

Make her smile

Hung out with my mom tonight. All I ever want to do is make her smile, and so tonight I tried to do that by satisfying her sweet tooth. I told her to make a face while I took the picture. Love it. 

It's hard when she's not happy. Tonight for the most part she was frustrated. She is at home now which is great. Tonight she was frustrated because she has fallen a few times. And she's scared she's going to hurt herself. I am scared she is too but she just needs to remember to slow down and focus. 

Nothing else for now. Shane and I leave for Vegas on Wednesday. Pam will be coming out Thursday night do I am looking forward to having a run/walk buddy to run the strip with.

I've been up since four am and now it's midnight. Sleep time for me. 

Untitled...

I don't exactly know where to start. The name of my blog would lead you to believe I would have something to say about running. But the truth is I haven't run really since October with any kind of consistentcy. I miss it terribly. It's been a brutal winter as we all know, and the treadmill and I don't get along well. I think I could have managed the cold but I have had limited time available to run when it is not pitch black outside. And when I have had the chance I haven't made it a priority. So I have essentially lost all the fitness I had. 

On top of there being no running in my life, my mom is not doing well. In December she was complaining of headaches and they found that her cancer spread to her brain in two spots. She went into the hospital and they did intense radiation for almost three weeks. During this time she started having seizures. They got those under control and she was released into a rehabilitation center so she could focus on getting stronger. She overall has made amazing progress. I have seen her go from not being able to stand on her own to moseying up and down the halls with her walker. I saw her go from not having the strength to hold her juice glass or fork to eating on her own. Mentally, shear amazing progress also. In the hospital she was very out of it and within a week or two of the therapies she had been through (occupational, physical and speech) she almost seemed like her usual self (or as close to usual as she will be again). She went from not being able to write to having minimal troubles with it 

And them today brought me back to the harsh reality that my mom will never truly get better and that the cancer is there and moving through her. Today and yesterday she had trouble standing on her own again and is needing the wheel chair. And she has been sleeping since I got here at 9am. Last weekend when I visited she was awake and I showed her how to play candy crush. It's just hard to go from having times when she seems so go to times like today. It's really hard. 

I think if I could get back to running it would make coping easier. But I need to take those first steps. 

"Hard is trying to rebuild yourself, piece by piece, with no instruction book, and no clue as to where all the important bits are supposed to go." -Nick Hornby

A few weeks ago I was here while my mom was in speech therapy. And she said she has to relearn so much but how does she relearn herself. There isn't a book for that. 

I think this process is making my whole family relearn who we are and what matters. 

And what matters to me right now is my

Mom. And my dad and my sisters. But I need to make myself matter too and I think the making running a priority will help with keeping me grounded as we go through this. 

I don't know that there is much more to say at this point. 

"It's humbling to start fresh. It takes a lot of courage. But it can be reinvigorating. You just have to put your ego on a shelf & tell it to be quiet."