Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Lots of thoughts

I have so many thoughts running through my mind right now, in regards to running mostly.

I am feeling better about what happened on Sunday. I just read a blog where basically the exact thing happened to someone else. They set out for 17, and made it 13. And I guess sometimes it is just nice to know that I am not the only one this happens to. I think reading running blogs can be a great thing but also hard thing at times. I am someone who often compares myself to others, and in running, that is really the worst thing you can do. You cannot compare yourself to anyone except yourself, ya know? I read so many blogs where people run 15 or 16 miles multiple times in the week, and I find myself feeling like I am not a runner or not a real runner and down playing what I do and what I have accomplished.

I don’t give myself enough credit for how far I have come in the last year. Until January 2011, I had run one 10k (run/walk) and two 5ks (run/walk). But last year I decided to do something more and run a half marathon. And I did it. Twice. I went from basically nothing, to 13.1 miles in about 9 months. And I need to give myself credit for that. And here I am, 16 months later, and I am about a month away from a FULL marathon.

That’s bad ass. And I need to recognize that more often. I have a lot of moments when I do indeed acknowledge that and I am proud of what I have done and will do. But then I have those moments like Sunday where I just am SO HARD on myself. And it’s unnecessary.

I think a big part also of why I am feeling down (and this is selfish of me) is I had gotten really excited about the fact that Erika was going to run Kalamazoo with me. I felt so much better knowing I was not going to be running alone, and I was going to be running with someone who has run four (I think its four…) marathons, and who was not running at all basically three years ago. After our 16 miler Erika was having some foot pain. She went on Sunday to get X-rays and she has a stress fracture. I feel horrible for her. She will be in a boot for 6 weeks L And the selfish side of me is so freaking disappointed that she won’t be running with me and that I am at this alone again.

So over the last two days I have been working through so many emotions in regards to running. And I feel like my running mojo is gone. I just don’t want to do it. But I still want that marathon. And I need to just get over this hump because the last thing I want to do is go into that marathon not prepared. I want to feel strong and happy through those 26.2 (I know I won’t be happy the whole time, but for the most part). I want to feel proud when I cross the finish line, and part of me is worried that if I don’t feel good about the way I ran it (aka feel slow/sluggish/ take tons of walk breaks) I will not let myself really feel good of what I have accomplished.
And I think part of why I won’t feel proud of myself goes back to my reading of other running blogs. I read so many blogs about runners who have run so many marathons, I think somewhere in all that I start to think it is “normal” and I forget that it is truly a HUGE thing that MOST PEOPLE WILL NEVER DO. I surround myself with runners and lose track of the people who aren’t runners and never will be, and lose track of the fact that what I am going to do is a HUGE deal.

When I go to Kalamazoo on May 6th, I will be fulfilling a dream that I truly did not think would ever be possible. When I was over 60 pounds heavier, and not even thinking about losing weight or being active, I wanted to run a marathon. I watched my aunt lose weight and become a runner and I thought it was so cool. But I truly never thought I would or could do it. And I am. In a little over a month I will be a marathoner. I just did a Google search to see if I could get a rough estimate on what population of the world has run a marathon. Two different sites I found stated it is as less than 1% of the world. I need to remember that. I need to remind myself that I will be part of a very exclusive group, and I cannot wait to join.

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